Gosh, it’s that time of year again. These are the worst Christmas (or birthday) presents I (or my ex-partner) have received from my (ex-) ‘in-laws’ over the last nine years (presumably I’ll receive no more; we can be thankful for small mercies). I think they play blind man’s bluff in Superdrug to choose their gifts.

1. Grey flannel
2. Assorted pack of cotton wool (pads, balls and buds)
3. Penguin-shaped ice-cube trays
4. Penguin cuddly toy
5. Plastic soap dish
6. Two identical breakfast crockery sets – for me and my (ex-) partner (with accompanying identical Post-It notes on each reading ‘I know you don’t need any more mugs but thought the small bowl and plate would be useful.’ Needless to say, they weren’t). If you think that’s just what you’re looking for, you should be able to find a set somewhere on eBay for about £2.95.
7. Place mat for one
8. Challenge car battery charger
9. Woolworth’s budget watering can
10. £10 Tesco gift voucher

Is there an unwritten rule that even receiving unwanted presents requires you to keep them for up to a year? Even if the present is so rubbish, so inappropriate that the person who bought it for you doesn’t seem to know anything about you? Yet there seems to be some innate obligation to keep it for a while, out of politeness I guess – or in case the giver asks about it.

But have you ever noticed how people who give you crap, random presents never mention them again? Deep down, they must know they’re crap and forget about them as soon as they’re given. Whereas people who get you good presents tend to ask you about them later, like if you’ve worn it/watched it/read it/heard it, what you thought of it.

With apologies to B&G, and M.

Previously on Barnflakes
• Christmas peasants
• How to have taste